So many of you must feel that I attack your beliefs and although many of you are willing to listen, there are more of you do not understand my purpose. You see I by no means claim to know it all, nor can I say that I have always been a real believer, faithful and devout in every way. The truth is for years I had trouble accepting the so called “word of God” with just as much an issue with any type of authority, rules or desire for acceptance. I never fit into some sort of mold and followed a path simply because its what was expected of me if anything I rebelled against anything that tried to make me fit into something I wasn’t.
I have often wondered what is it about our nature that compels us to react to anything that is different from ourselves in such a negative way? Who imposes these rules, that are so widely accepted as normal? Why is it that people who are different are dangerous? That is to say that if we are suddenly invaded by extra-terrestrials will our very first gut reaction be one of fear and rejection?
Who said we must marry, stay miserable if necessary or reproduce children in that specific order? Why do people do a job they detest, buy status symbols in the form of cars, fashion, jewelry etc all in an effort to fill some void that they can not explain and that never goes away? Why do these things bring us temporary happiness and why are we still trying to fill the void. It doesn’t matter if those things are material possessions, drugs or alcohol, successful business ventures. What is it that never fills why is it never enough?
What is it that compels a human being to say yes to something that clearly makes them unhappy simply to avoid confrontation? Why must women starve themselves in order to fit into someone else’s’ perception of beauty? Or worse still what is it that compels us to suffer in silence rather than disturb what was so difficult to put together in the first place? Why do we worship Friday, Saturday or Sunday fill ourselves with pride because our version of our truth is clearly superior to the other version that worships false Gods and devils? What in us compels us to follow rules and not question them and who placed them there in the first place?
So clearly one can see that not only did I question our society and it’s unspoken rules of what is considered normal and good but I questioned Religion. I had trouble with being told I was a sinner, not worthy, I had trouble with a vengeful God who took pity on me and loved me anyway. I had issues with a God who tells a man to sacrifice his son as an act of devotion and then after causing the poor man much anguish says just kidding! I had issues with a select few being chosen to go to heaven while others were banished to hell. I just couldn’t accept that God would burn down cities, cause massive destruction of one race or culture to save another. I have issues with a God who kills Egyptian baby boys simply because they weren’t believers. I have issues with a God that sacrifices his own son in the most horrific of ways for the so called good of mankind.
Sure there are justifications and interpretations out there that allow us to justify this behavior so many of us swallow it hook line and sinker. I myself harbored guilt for not being able to accept everything I was told. Many times I would take what I considered good about the bible and reject what didn’t apply to me. But how could a book that is supposed to be a source of inspiration, a guide to peace and happiness cause me such discomfort? Yet when I ask these question out loud so many people would consider my questions something to be ashamed of not worthy of answers.
So I did what so many of us have done. I turned away from organized religion and decided simply to believe in my own connection. I believed in my own relationship and not the one that I was taught to follow. I found this so much more acceptable and it made me happy. Since my questions were so taboo, I decided it was better to live my way and stop asking questions. After all I was at peace finally and nothing else mattered.
And then it happened, my fall from grace. You see what few of you may or may not know is that I lost my child in the cruelest of forms and for many years I myself was lost. This is my story, this is not my punishment but own path to ascension. This is what I asked for it was not chosen for me by society, nor was it imposed by my parents, this was not even chosen for me by God, this is my decision mine and mine alone. On the surface my story is one of loss of faith, of deep sadness of despair and anger to what seems to be an unjust God but that is a mere illusion for what it really is, it is the rebuilding of my life. A life of faith.