Thursday, June 27, 2013

The Invisible heart…. (Series Continued Pt 4)

The Invisible heart…. (Continued)

Her aunt held on to many pressures.  She felt so much guilt over her sister’s melt down.  She harbored secret pain that she never shared with anyone.  She felt extreme guilt over seeing her sister like this and never could accept that her sister had been broken long before her teenage age years would ever take its toll. 

She used to pick up her sister on the wrong side of town and make her visit with this little girl just so she wouldn’t lose sight of her daughter and so that the mother would keep a grip hold on this reality.  But her sister too far gone would hear the imaginary voices screaming at her as the child slept in the back seat.  Silent tears would fall down her aunt’s face as she took on this guilt. 

Her aunt would bury her pain, go shopping do whatever she could to be a good housewife. Perhaps it was the pressure of starting a family too young that would eventually lead to the divorce.  After all being in your early 20s and having two kids while their friends were out rocking out in a band, camping and free to go anywhere that would lead her dear uncle to question his choices or perhaps it was that my aunt buried her burdens within and started to cut her uncle off.  She would shop and incur debt as a means of coping and the pressure would build on for the young man who now had to support two kids had a mortgage and wife depending on him.

Who knows what caused the downfall of the only example she had of a loving relationship… all that the child really knew is that yet again she would be displaced …the divorce was well under way, and that this thing called love was something that everyone chased but never found.

She carried the burden of her sister and her child, she had her own and as her marriage fell apart she buried her pain and did what all women do in these cases THEY GET TOUGH. They hide their heart behind their pride.  Bury their pain deep and find a way to cope.  That is exactly what my aunt did. She stowed her heart in a box, feigned interest in another man and gave my uncle the impression that he was replaceable. But the truth is he will always be her soul mate and the love of her life. The pain that would follow in the subsequent years comes from knowing that two wrongs will never make right, and that pride is not a replacement for love.

In the interim the mother took in her surroundings she began to realize that the only way out of this hospital was to pretend to be fine. You see the mother may have wanted to lose herself but there was one little powerful soul holding her back.  This is exactly while this little girl chose this woman to be her mother.  She knew she would be the anchor that would keep the mother from having to repeat the vicious karmic cycle.  In time perhaps she would go to resent this little girl but right now this child was only her only link to this world and she decided to cling to her for dear life.  She would use this little girl as her reason to come back, and with a determination she found god only know where she did just that. 

She told the doctors just what they wanted to hear, agreed to take whatever medication they threw at her and she pretended not to hear the voices in her head. She did everything that needed to be done in order to be there for her daughters.  I say daughters because her sister was in need and since she had a hand in raising her she realized that she needed to be there for her sister as well as her own child.  So she got herself out of this place just in time to be there for everyone else. Perhaps it was what she needed to take her mind off of her own pain.
SIDE NOTE: It has been a while since I had written about my childhood.  You could say that I took a break from it because I needed to make sure I had dealt with all the trauma of growing up and being an  A.C.O.D.E (Adult Child of Dysfunctional Earthlings) My story is very real and made me who I am today.  But it was not until I awakened and discovered who I was that my whole life changed.  

For those of you looking to pick up the story where it left off the series is called THE INVISIBLE HEART.  It is in fact my own Invisible Heart.