Saturday, December 29, 2012

Parenting ....

I suppose the hardest thing about being a parent lies in our ability to love them with a certain amount of detachment. So many of us fail at this because our desire to protect our young is so overwhelming at times that it clouds our judgment. By this I mean at some point you are going to have to believe that the fundamental principals instilled in them as small children stuck. You are going to have believe that the open and honest communication that was hopefully nurtured and fostered served its purpose.

We must believe in our ability to communicate the one message above all others that matters most..” I love you unconditionally, I will be here regardless of which step or even misstep you choose to take” all other little talks that follow are secondary. “Please talk to me before making decisions that you will regret, I wont get angry I am here listening. There are so many little talks we have to have, that we hate to have. “Don’t talk to strangers, don’t let anyone touch you.. ”

In time those conversations get harder… “Please don’t drink and drive or ever you find yourself in this situation please call me and I will come get you no questions asked. No matter how angry we get, we know very well that hearing them on the other line is so much better than a policeman knocking on your door with his “sorry for your loss speech”

“please don’t smoke, drugs can cause death, choose your friends wisely” “ learn to rise above drama, you aren’t meant to follow you were born a leader/king or Queen” “Never retreat advance in self defense, kick only when necessary, use your head , everything can be a weapon and aim for all weak spots eyes, nose throat kneecaps and groin.” “ Think before you act or speak, Karma is not something to play with.” “ This is what physical and mental abuse looks like, love yourself above all things never tolerate it”

I am still working on stomping out the desire to want to beat the living hell out of anyone dumb enough to mess with my child. I am not one to seek trouble but I will end it. Yet, if I can help it I will cut it out before it starts. Many may think my approach is a bit harsher that what mothers could be but I am not raising a victim. The only thing I can do is take from my own experience and try to prevent the very same pitfalls that were common to me or others as I grew up.

Hard as these talks are, mustering the strength to mean what you said if and when the situation arises is perhaps are biggest test. To go back on word would not only teach our children they can not come to us, it teaches them that it is acceptable to lie and or say what they want to hear. These are all very difficult things but the hardest of all is allowing them to fall. This is where the detachment comes in. Where we must have faith that all those conversations actually sunk in and then let them go.

Our initial instinct is to shield our children from what all know is a very cruel and harsh world. We spend so much time trying to teach them but allowing them to put what they have learned from you to the test takes a great deal of self control. To not let them go, not have faith in what you instilled and to live in such a way that your inability to let them go, creates a child who can not fend for themselves is a recipe for disaster. Sooner or later this child will seek their independence and the shock they will be in for is something we should try to prevent not foster.

That said, my ability to read minds, energy and people especially that of my own child adds a whole new element to the equation. I can step in and say “no” to what appears to the child a random inexplicable mystery. I can see when the party will include drugs or alcohol, I can step in and do things other cants. Fighting the urge to not say I know what you are thinking and doing is something I struggle with every day. Building the confidence and trust that allows her to come to me isn’t. Even though I am never really surprised, I always know.

However…there are times when you know your child is making a mistake and no matter how much you say to try to help them, they must take that step for themselves. Some times the only way they will learn the lesson set before them is by taking that misstep. Something that is even harder for me because in my case my daughter is only weakness. Her heart is not like mine, it is softer more gentle in its nature. The tough outer shell my heart was encased in, do not apply to her. She is the only one aside from her brother that I feel heart mind and soul, I feel her pain as I would my own, and when she falls even when I knew she would, I must live with the tears and growing pains that result from it.

Allowing them to fall and pick themselves up is one of the most important rights of passage from childhood to adult. If this is not learned the many pitfalls will result in a helpless victim that is easily manipulated. Many may feel what I am saying seems almost cold, how does one detach from their own heart? Believe me when I say I have struggled with it more than most. Any empathic parent does. Yet it is something that I must do to turn my “little princess” into the perfect embodiment of the divine feminine she was born to be, her mother’s daughter.

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