Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Back into Hell and out into Heaven

Has anyone ever stopped to consider that those of us with the most difficult obstacles, the victims of abuse and pain, anger and resentment are not victims at all ..but quite possibly the greatest spiritual warriors of our time. No Matter how long they suffer or remain angry lost or numb, rest assured that these folks once awakened, will take their place ....as the WARRIORS they have always been. They will lift their heads, hold their swords of truth and stand strong with a love so powerful the devil himself will cower and kneel at their feet...
I came to this realization on my own....yup because the warrior I am referring to is me, myself and I. It is the hidden warrior found in every human-being brave enough to forgive and let go. We forgive the person place or thing that holds us prisoner and embrace the freedom it provides. 
This was not an easy task for me because I would rather numb or deny pain, forget the people that caused it and set my jaw with a fierce determination to overcome but my efforts were futile... I ran from nothing, I stumbled time and time again over the things I refused to look at and gained a false sense of security from my resentment and blame....stuffed everything into an unknown compartment of my mind. I was blissfully unaware of the ways it continued to manifest obstacles and hardships. They grew larger and each time I would laugh and say is that all you got world? Bring it on baby because ....I got this....my anger grew, my sadness grew only because each time I thought I had finally battled every possible thing and won, I would encounter something else....and yet still I was unfazed....until the day I lost my child. 
That shot, sucker punch, that hit below the belt not only took me by surprise...it stunned me.  I was perfectly willing to sacrifice myself, without hesitation step into the line of fire, jump in front of a train, walk through fire but never ever was I willing to sacrifice my child.  For a moment, over six long years, it would have appeared to anyone and everyone that I was down for the count. My Achilles heel had been pierced, the line had been crossed and I threw down my armor and told God and all his promises to kiss my ass!! This chic, the one that believed and thanked him for every winning battle was done. God would just have to find someone else to guide and give advice, someone else to laugh in the face of darkness because I was done. I withdrew inside the darkness and let it consume me, let the blessed numbing feeling that threaten to extinguish my life-force and gloat with its triumph over me. I coward before this beast and begged it not to take the only thing I had left. I begged it to take me instead, I sacrifice my life in its prison so long as my daughter could be free. I swore allegiance to every lie and promise and nearly gave up. 
I ignored the call towards the light, and nearly forgot who I was. Until one day I looked into the beautiful and innocent green eyes of the little girl I as trying save, a small glimmer of recognition...flickering before the dark recesses of my mind.  These eyes that I had not recognized before, the familiar eyes that belonged to my uncle....and I remembered his words to me "look for me in the eyes of your daughter." The beautiful man who treated me like a daughter, not his niece, the man who was there when I was born, who believed in me always and the man who sacrificed the tranquility of the other dimensions to stand a me during my darkest and weakest moments.... that moment began the long journey out of the darkness and back out the maize...every false step and every right step back up to the light. I found angry demons, sad demons, unforgiving demons, forgotten ones.....and fought them all.  I endured painful wounds, scars and wanted to turn back on more than one occasion but I didn't. ...failure was not an option not this time. 
I kept smiling with every step of the way until....the moment I faced the last demon....disguised as my daughter!!!  There it stood staring back at me....a reflection of me of a time long since forgotten, a time before I had gained any armor or weapons, an angry demon...a scary demon that reflected every seemingly good and bad choice I have ever made out of resentment... every good intention and every spiteful intention...every where I looked every possible step I had taken away from it....in an attempt to lead my daughter away from the pain and suffering....it was everywhere, no escape, glaring at me menacingly right where I stood, the very spot right back where I started from.  
Having gained no distance, unable to outrun it ....I screamed ..in what was to be my last act of, defiance I ran towards it!!!!!!  There was no way out but through so I ran with all my might, fearless, almost sacrificial I had no armor, no sword, no pain....ready to go out in a blaze of glory....only to appear on the other side, the final destination....of every spiritual seeker. The path we set out to become the truth, love and peace we have always been. Unafraid and without pain I stand in my truth finally accepting the light and love that was always mine to begin with....Right into the peaceful bliss of the heaven within ....
To walk the spiritual path in earnest is to find out what we're made of and how much we are
truly willing to give up in order to come to the end of the division within ourselves. The price for that kind of profound and deeply liberating simplicity is too high for most, because that price is ego death... 
That means contending with the devil, the darkness, walking into the hell of our own making. Facing all our being to purify ourselves from every attachment, gross and subtle, to the narcissistic ego, that demon of false individuality that masquerades as our own self and whose task it is to keep us, at all costs, separate from our own heart.

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