the invisible heart...(series continued pt 3)

 Her father would eventually make less frequent visits.  I believe some of their parting words went something like this. " I don't want you anymore, but your daughter you can see whenever, I will never deny your right to care for her or spend time with her"  to which the prideful father would respond " both of you can go to hell,  you don't want to be with me, then she is your problem not mine, I have other children"  He would walk out and not resurface for years.  The prideful mother simply faced the challenges of bringing up her child alone with every intention of doing it well.

As the mother continued to face the struggles of being a single mother, the existing severe depression and a head strong child that refused to let anyone tell her what to do, her mother's mental state starting slipping.  The mother starting  struggling with childcare issues.  It began to seem like if it wasn't one thing it was another.  It makes sense really, her mental state being what it was, the law of attraction simply brought her more and more dysfunctional situations to contend with.

Her mother still had some of her extrasensory abilities intact, so when her intuition would tell her to,  she would pay random visits to check on the baby.  Boy was that ever fun, there was the time she found that her child was as drunk as the babysitter.  Apparently the child thinking that the can was some sort of juice, drank the can of beer left on the table.  There were the times she would find bruises all over her little body.  She had been told how clumsy the child was, falling here and there…of course that never explained the way she would scream bloody murder when she was dropped off.  Never failed, the way the baby would cling to the mothers legs, her eyes trying to convey the same thing "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME HERE. PLEASE PLEASE NO MOMMY PLEASE!!!"  Of course the mother initially attributed it to regular every day separation anxiety.  It wasn't until her grandmother uncovered the numerous nail marks and bruising behind the child's ears during her bath that the message she tried so desperately to convey would finally come out into the light.
Another random incident would include the time the mother found the baby on the balcony she could have fallen through,  in care of a five year old while her supposed babysitter was out running errands.  I suppose the hardest one,  no one ever knew about would have to be, the creepy guy... husband/boyfriend that enjoyed touching her privates when he was supposed to be changing her diapers.  It was very uncomfortable, and she would try to cry but this creepy guy would stifle her cries, making it hard for her to breath.  To this day she is still claustrophobic and doesn't like it when a man invades her space.  Poor child started to wonder if she was a magnet for such dysfunctional behavior in the world or what!?  The idea that her mother's state of mind, attracted all these things into her reality, never occurred to her.

The mother was so over whelmed by it all, that she considered sending her away.  At the time she had been living in a horrible and scary part of Washington D.C.  Calling it a project or the ghetto would have been considered a kind description.    It was all that she could afford, the place had to share or a "tenant" bathroom that was so disgusting and run down it gave her chills.  Drunks and druggies would litter the run down hallways that always smelled like urine and some god awful other random smell.  She would bathe the child using water from the sink with so much care so as to not have her touch anything.   She just couldn’t care for the child in her mental state.  I suppose the crazy trials, the child’s outburst in her feeble attempt to communicate, the underlying sadness and a whole multitude of other broken things inside her mother’s spirit, landed her in the psychiatric hospital.  The state ward filled with your garden variety “drug addicts” and multiple other random disorders known to man.  By the time she was taken in, they were told that the mother had suffered a severe nervous breakdown and if she were not left here, she would remain in a permanent vegetative state.

It was then that her aunt took over for the child.  The aunt carried her own underlying guilt because she felt some what responsible for her sister’s breakdown.  Her reasons are not my story to tell so I won’t go into specifics.  In truth she wasn’t at fault, how could she have been, when the mother simply had been broken long before.  She and her husband newly weds, took the child in.  Her aunt decorated her very own room, made her blankets and filled it with toys and stuffed animals.  You could say the child was good practice as they did not have kids of their own yet.  The aunt tried so hard to give the child some sort of stability, tried to make amends, she tried to give as much to the child as she could.   These were happy times for the baby girl. 

Her small mind, associated male figures with dad and she got to have one of her very own.  A much better one than the one she had picked out in heaven!! This one played music, he was in a band and the whole house would shake from the noise!  He was a happy man, who had parents that loved him so loving her aunt came easy for him.  Her aunt used to dance around their house, happy cooking and cleaning and caring for her.  She would of course make her healthy foods, and made her follow rules that she didn’t much appreciate.  If ever she got scared she could sneak into their room and sleep.  Talk about putting a damper on newly wed romance! It wasn't so much about fear as she didn't understand where her mother had gone.    Most times the aunt would tuck her in and stay with her until she fell asleep.  She also got a pet cat whose tail she pulled in an attempt to catch him while it would try to run for dear life!  She got to meet grand parents and whole new aspect of “this new dad’s life” that felt nice.  Her “dad” even showed her how to put on her shoes the right way by making big “Ls” on them and teaching her the correct way the big letter should face. 

She would get to visit with the mother.  Her aunt tried to keep her mother from slipping beyond this world by making sure she would be reminded of the child that needed her.   The car rides there used to make the aunt so sad.  Attempts to communicate with her sister resulting in futile conversations that included imaginary voices and paranoid crazy talk.  The aunt would cry silently, feeling extreme guilt for something that was never meant to be her fault. Often this baby pretended to sleep or would try to sleep because the severe brokenness, the depth of the emotional pain that they both emitted was just too much.  Regardless she would get to spend time with her mother.  In time the child would take these memories and bury them deep in her heart box.  This was the only place that would protect her from the insanity of this world she had chosen for herself. What a good trusty little box it was, it became such an integral part of who she was the idea of parting with it never crossed her mind.

Her cousin would later be born and she would come to resent him like no other.  These kids were only 3.5 years apart in age.  In her mind all of sudden she had to share her nice new pretty world and she didn’t like it one bit.  By then she would come to understand that he was not her dad, but her uncle and that the dad she had gotten belonged to her cousin.  The idea that they would still make room for her after being shuffled around like that worried her.  As the attention for the new arrival hit her full on her jealousy grew.  Silly I suppose in time they would play together, they would ride their toys around the neighborhood.  Her cousin would follow her in a little green caterpillar fit for a toddler.  I suppose in time she came to realize that it was not that bad but she did feel it was a severe intrusion.

Later she and her cousin would face their first divorce.  The happy home became a place of yelling and shouting fights.  The bouts anger,  a prideful heart, crying and all sorts of curse words that would later lead to a divorce.  It would be so bad at times she would try to block out the shouting match by sticking her fingers in her ears.  Sadly that may have blurred sound but not the emotional intensity that bombarded her little heart.  The emotions ranged from deep sadness, to revenge, anger and resentment that the children helplessly watched.  It was just too much....  Dam defective box, why is it that it can work on strangers but the emotions of her own family could get through?!

Her aunt's pride would eventually get the better of her.  She would start seeing a new man out of spite.  She never loved him, she still doesn't but the child and the adult came to realize that habits are harder to break than love apparently.  Since their arrangement was not started on good terms the sadness that would follow would just serve as just another example in a long list of pain caused by "love" that the child took in.  She wondered how could something so good turn so sour?  This had been her first example of a good loving relationship how could it possibly go so wrong? …. Why is there so much PAIN associated with this crazy thing called Love?  And why in the heck would anyone ever voluntarily subject themselves to such a horrible thing!!!!

(To be continued..)